Ever wonder why my blog is named “Finally Finding Me”? Well, let me tell ya.
I started blogging at a pivotal time in my life. I had experienced post partum depression after having two of my sons. I had gone through a lot of issues with self-esteem and self-worth that had negatively affected my marriage. I struggled with alcoholism and had not been the mother I should have been to my sweet boys. I had been an absolute mess for years.
After a medical emergency that put me in an amazing position to come to Christ (I’ll blog about that some day), getting alcohol out of my life and focusing on God first and letting Him heal me and restore my family…I decided it was time to start blogging. I find writing to be extremely therapeutic. And so, Finally Finding Me was born, because I felt like I was finally finding me after all of the junk I had eliminated from my life.
Now, do you completely find yourself in one instant and that’s that? Absolutely not. I’m still finding me in different ways, but for the most part, I would say I have a pretty good grasp of who I am and my worth. That being said, I still have my struggles and allow the negative voices to creep in every now and then and I have to remind myself of Whose I am and just what I’m worth.
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled big time with body image and bad feelings about my weight and things like that. Having gained 16 pounds in the past four months for seemingly no reason that I can pinpoint besides it possibly being connected to some health issues I’ve been having has really been a little rough on me. To be honest though, I told Brian a couple of weeks ago that while I’d of course like to be thinner, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. That is the absolute truth. I told him that I just feel like I like the person I am and who I am becoming.
Now, as I was starting to pack for a big camping trip today and realizing how many of my clothes don’t fit because of my recent weight gain, I was feeling slightly bummed about it, but certainly not to the point that I used to would have been. I instead was thinking about how that wasn’t going to affect my time or ruin my fun. That was something that really made me realize just how far I’ve come, because the old me would have ended up crying and yelling with frustration. Not anymore.
You know what really made a huge impact on me though? A friend had stopped by to pick something up from me and we were talking about how she had to tie some of her daughter’s tank top straps in the back with a ribbon to keep the straps from falling down and she had to have her wear belts with all of her pants and shorts because she was so skinny (she is 10). I said “I can’t say I’ve ever personally experienced that.” and kind of laughed. My friend went on to say, “I see pictures from when I was younger and I was tall and skinny like that and then something happened, I think it was called kids.” We both laughed and then she said “No, really though, I love my body.” She went on to say that sometimes her kids make jokes about her belly and stuff, but that she truly loves her body. You know what? That made me realize that I’m actually learning to love my body too.
No, I’m not skinny. In fact, right now I’m pretty chubby. But you know, I’m realizing just how little that really matters to me. Of course, I don’t want to be unhealthy, but I also no longer care about working hard to make my body look a certain way. I want to be active and try to eat decently, but I refuse to have to obsess over every little thing I put in my mouth or force myself to do workouts that I hate.
I just want to be happy being me, whatever that looks like. No matter what my outside looks like, my inside doesn’t change and I’m really liking who I am on the inside. I think that right now, more than ever, my blog title fits. I’m Finally Finding Me.