It’s time to be honest about how I’m doing with my whole health journey. Let’s just say, not all that great. I have been a little more active, but not eating good at all. I was feeling more confident about myself though and then the usual happened.
I swear that every time I start to feel comfortable with who I am and where my body is, suddenly something happens and I feel like the most disgusting creature on earth. Ok, maybe that’s a little overboard, but I do end up feeling just really crappy about myself and my body.
For instance, on Tuesday I went out to dinner with some awesome girls from my Youth Group and one of the Youth Pastors who is also a friend. I figured I would get dressed up a little for the occasion. I was feeling a little thick around the middle (which has been a bit of a struggle since the unexplained weight gain I’ve experienced recently), but was overall feeling pretty good. Here is what I wore…
I had a really great time out with the girls and came home feeling great. That fell apart a couple hours later.
Before bed, I decided to get out what I was going to wear the next day for the field trip I was going on with my youngest son, Asher. I figured it would save me time in the morning and I’d just feel better knowing at least that part of getting ready was done. Well, that’s when it all went downhill. What I was picturing I would wear looked absolutely horrible. These 10 pounds have made several of my clothing items unwearable. I’m talking clothes that fit loosely on me last summer that I even considered getting rid of because they were a little too big (I’m actually 15 pounds heavier than I was at this time last year) are now too tight. You can imagine my irritation, disgust and finally devastation after outfit after outfit I tried didn’t fit me or just looked terrible. I’m not going to lie, I had myself a good little cry.
Why is this getting to me so much? Why, when I just get feeling accepting of myself do I feel like I suddenly can’t stand what I’m seeing in the mirror? I think I know why. Because every time I feel like I am overcoming this, the devil knows it is my weakest point and the thing that bothers me more than most and guess what? He uses it against me. Because when I’m feeling good about myself, I’m more thankful to God and I’m more confident and I find myself getting out there and being happier and being in more circumstances where I can be a good witness and glorify Him. Um, the devil clearly isn’t into me being that happy, confident person. So, what better way to detour me than to fill my head with the lies that I’m fat and gross and people are surely looking at me and thinking “Wow, what happened to her? She got fat!”. If that doesn’t make you want to stay home, what does?
So, there I was, standing in my room, looking in the mirror and crying. Feeling sorry for myself and just wanting to somehow come down with some sickness that would keep me from having to go to the school in the morning and be seen by all of the teachers I used to work with and the parents I know and having them see how “gross” I’ve gotten.
Well, you know what? I recognized what was happening and when I went to bed, I prayed hard for Jesus to help me see me like He does. For me to see past weight and to not let the devil leak his lies into my life.
I woke up in the morning feeling much better. Now, did I feel super confident, no. But did I feel like it would have been better for me to be sick and miss out on a great day making memories with my son than to be seen looking a little different than what I would ideally like to? Of course not! Just typing that makes me realize how irrational and unhealthy those thoughts were! You know, I didn’t see one person look at me with scrutinizing eyes. Asher hugged me several times, sat on my lap when we were having ice cream and cuddled with me on the bus ride back and he didn’t once look at me with any kind of disgust, but only with complete love and adoration. The people who love us don’t see the imperfections we see, they simply see us.
Here’s what I ended up wearing for the field trip. I didn’t like the outfit and didn’t feel great in it, but it was my best option for the moment, so I took it. Please excuse the mess in my room from me frantically throwing clothes around, trying to find something to wear.
I honestly didn’t take this picture with the intention of sharing, I took it to try to get a better idea of what I would like from others’ perspectives. I’m smiling only because I feel totally weird when I don’t smile in pictures. You know what though? I want to be real. The struggle is real and it’s something so many of us deal with. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be real, even when it’s messy or not all sunshine and rainbows.
I talked to my husband and we are going to go back to juicing (I want to do it twice a day and then have a healthy dinner) like we had done for a little while. I felt really good then and didn’t have the bloated, miserable feeling I’ve had lately. I’m going to step up my activity level a bit too. I started doing squats Tuesday night and yesterday and am going to continue with that, along with adding some other exercises. Those will go along with my walking and possibly spending several minutes a day dancing like a lunatic to some fun music (hey, I have to be inventive and make it fun because I am not a fan of working out at all). I just know I will feel so much better. Cutting waaaayyyy back on sodium will be a huge help too.
So there ya go, my latest moment of breakdown. From that breakdown though, I’m building back up and I’m still going shopping for shorts this weekend. To all of you girls/women struggling along with me…we’ve got this! The struggle is real, but we will win!